Why Do We Resent Our Partners After Having a Baby - and What to Do About It
Navigating relationships in the early years of parenthood can be challenging, something especially true in the first year. The bulk of care often falls on one person, which leads to sleep deprivation and a significant loss of freedom. While many families have the added layer of the birthing parent experiencing massive physical and hormonal shifts, this pattern is similarly echoed in some LGBTQ+ and other families who utilize adoption or surrogacy to assist with the arrival of baby. With the frequently uneven split, whoever is taking on the majority of the childrearing is likely to experience resentment at some early point in their new parenting journey.
Resentment can happen for many reasons but there are several main themes I hear time and time again. The good news is there are ways to not only cope with resentment but to use these experiences to strengthen your partnership and bring your relationship even closer. Many of the strongest metals are formed in the hottest fires.
WHAT IS RESENTMENT?
First, let’s get clear about what resentment is. In Brené Brown’s recent book Atlas of the Heart, she defines resentment as:
Brown, Brené, Atlas of the Heart, Penguin Random House, 2022
I personally know it as that feeling where I feel like my blood starts to boil and I find myself wanting to scream at my husband “Why aren’t you helping me more?!” when he does something as small as putting his used glass on the counter above the dishwasher instead of inside it.
WHERE DOES RESENTMENT COME FROM?
We can feel resentment when a new baby comes into our home because there is less time to take care of our own needs. When our needs aren’t met but we notice our partner isn’t dealing with the same kind of struggles that we are, it can create a “me vs. them” mentality where we are constantly keeping score. Even outside of our own needs, there are all the things to do with keeping a home and family schedule on track. Things that may have been in perfect harmony prior to the arrival of children (such as who cooks and who does the dishes) might drastically change due to the tiny yet massively impactful new roommate. Further still, your relationship can take a bit of a back seat where its own needs - intimacy, spontaneity, etc. can take a hit. This tension can build and lead to increased conflict and hostility in the relationship.
Resentment isn’t always conscious, and the way it manifests is often surface level (e.g. ‘I’m annoyed because they never unload the dishwasher’). It can be helpful to unearth some of the roots as to why we feel this way in the first place; although the still-loaded dishwasher is annoying, it’s not the real reason we’re so upset.
Perceived Unfairness
When we become a parent, there are many roles that each parent will take. One may be in charge of night wakings, one may be primarily responsible for feedings, one may be taking on the majority of household chores, etc. If you are the birthing parent or the one who is staying home with the baby you may already have a little more of the household labour on your literal chest. This can add up over weeks and months and start to feel like your spouse is purposefully not helping you with all you need to do. If you have started to feel like the scales are tipping one way more than the other, you may start to feel the load is unfair, which is the perfect breeding ground for resentment to take hold.
Envy
Envy exists “when we want something that someone else has” (Brené, 2022), p.27.
Let’s take a look at an example: You have just given birth to a small and perfect human. You stopped working a full-time job days before going into labour and now you are home full time with your baby. Your spouse was not able to take more than a few days off work and has returned to their full-time job in order to support your joint bills. You love this human with your whole heart, and also, you miss your old life. You miss putting on work clothes and drinking a cup of hot coffee at your desk, chatting with colleagues about adult topics, and listening to podcasts uninterrupted during your morning commute. You also miss things such as sleep, feeling like you can be clean for longer than 15 minutes without bodily fluids somehow making their way onto you, and eating a meal with both hands. At the end of the day, your spouse enters looking fresh in their work attire with zero bodily fluids from a small human on them and you think “I wish that was me.” Even if you love your baby more than life itself, you may also envy aspects of your partner’s life that you are currently missing.
Comparison
Parenthood is often full of comparison. Despite our best efforts, when we speak to others who have different and perhaps seemingly better situations than us, it is hard not to compare. Some research suggests that we actually can’t stop ourselves some comparing, it’s automatic.
For example, let’s say you have a friend whose spouse works from home. Every day during her spouse’s lunch break, she passes the baby off and fits in a workout, takes a shower, and maybe even catches a nap. If she ever really needs to, she can pass the baby to her spouse (as long as there isn’t a meeting currently happening) and go to the washroom uninterrupted or take an important phone call from CRA about her EI benefits pay (ask me why I know this is so frustrating to try doing alone). She has moments of reprieve throughout her day. You, on the other hand, have not gone to the washroom alone in months…and you’re still waiting on the CRA to call during nap time.
When situations of comparison like this occur, they can spill over into our own relationship. Imagine your spouse comes home and immediately goes upstairs to change out of their work clothes and pops into the washroom. You are immediately upset because of what you have been thinking all day. Your spouse is confused because they know nothing about this friend and the comparison that has been running through your mind. Even though your spouse’s job status and ability to support you in a day has not changed, you are now more resentful than you were before because you now have an external situation to compare yours to. You are resentful that your spouse doesn’t work from home, that they aren’t able to offer more breaks for you in your day, and that you are taking on 100% of the child-rearing from 9-5.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT RESENTMENT
Acknowledging Your Needs
What is your resentment telling you? What are you lacking personally or envious of? Do you need more time to exercise? Socialize? Maybe you’re missing learning and using your intellectual mind. Take some time to check in with yourself and find out exactly what you’re missing and what you might like to do in order to meet this need.
Communication
Once we have identified where our resentment might be stemming from, it’s important to communicate this to our partner so they can have the opportunity to support us.
One of the most important things to keep in mind when doing this is to approach our partner with kindness and withhold blame. One way to do this is to use “I” language.
For example: “I have been noticing I feel envious of your career and the freedom it affords you every day. I know it’s not your fault, and I don’t want to resent you for working when I’m home with the baby. I think I’m missing doing something that feeds my intellectual mind. There is an online course I’m hoping to take that would require me to spend one evening per week away from family responsibilities. Do you think you can support me to do this?”
Obviously, this is so hard to do in a moment of frustration, so it can be helpful to set up specific, planned times to talk through these items so no one is caught off guard.
Set Boundaries
If resentment often forms when we perceive unfairness, then it makes sense that we may be missing the opportunity to set boundaries to create fairness in the relationship. What I have learned from a decade of working in this field and my own personal experience is this is easier said than done.
Many mothers and primary caregivers struggle to take time for themselves, even when they know it will have positive ripple effects on the rest of the family.
In Fair Play: A Game Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do, author Eve Rodosky (Rodsky, 2021) states:
“78% of moms say they are so busy maintaining family stability by being constantly available, mentally and physically, to deal with the every detail of the home that they are not taking care of themselves.”
So, even though we may know that we need to take time for ourselves, we may choose not to. This is a tale as old as time. As righteous as martyrdom may feel, unfortunately, it only serves to hurt yourself and your family if you don’t set boundaries and prioritize your own needs. Even your children pick up on this, carrying that pattern into their own adult lives. After all, the safety message at the beginning of every flight tells you to put your own oxygen mask on first before attempting to help others. You are better equipped to be the multitasking, empathetic powerhouse of a human that parenting demands when you have put your own mask on first. This is an uncomfortable truth for many of us to confront, which often has roots in feelings of worthiness, guilt, trust, control, and the patterns our own caregivers modelled for us. As a mother, I am still learning this lesson and unravelling my own relationship with boundary setting and self-care. It is an ongoing process but one that requires us to consistently check in with ourselves - and our partners - so we don’t silently breed resentment.
Stop Comparison In Its Tracks
If we can’t stop the automatic comparisons that happen in our social interactions, we can control how we respond to them. This requires awareness of comparisons that occur in a split second and then choosing to take a moment of pause in order to reframe the comparison to one that has no bearing on our own self-worth or wellbeing. When we hear or see obvious comparisons, it can be helpful to acknowledge the good fortune of the other and return our focus to our own journey. Yes, there are benefits to your friend’s partner working from home, but there are benefits to your spouse working out of the house as well. For example, your spouse comes home fresh and excited to see the children at the end of the day, affording you a bit of break once they’re home. Remembering we are all on individual paths, and that no two families are the same, is helpful to keep comparison at bay.
CONCLUSION
Navigating resentment in the postpartum period and early years of parenthood is a common challenge, but it doesn’t need to last forever. Once we acknowledge some of the underlying reasons resentment is present we can get started on the important work of empowering ourselves to live happy and fulfilled relationships. I hope this article gives you a starting place to make some of those changes.
If you’re still struggling with this, there are many resources you can access, including self-help books and personal therapy.
I offer a self-paced course for couples to communicate better, enhance intimacy, and feel like a team in parenthood again. Check the details here.
For my Canadian friends, I offer individual and couples counselling where we can dive deeper into the challenges you’re facing. You can book a free 20-minute consultation here.
Autumn Fowler, MA, CCC
Autumn is a psychotherapist and relationship specialist serving individuals and couples who desire fulfilling relationships with the people who matter most - whether this be with themselves, a family member, friend, or spouse. She has a special interest in working with those on the journey towards or transition into parenthood. Autumn is also a wife, mama to two young boys, daughter, sister, and friend. She cares deeply about the human connection and loves sharing this passion with her community.
