A Therapist's Secret Strategy to Improving Communication in Your Relationship
Last night my partner and I got into a disagreement. We had been talking on the couch and suddenly the nice connecting conversation we were having morphed into one of hurt, defensiveness and frustration. Ugh! How are we here again? As I reflected, I knew I had been triggered by something he said and our old pattern had unfolded: I feel hurt, I call him out, he gets defensive, I feel unheard, I shut down, he feels shut out and ignored, we take space until we’re ready to repair.
I have so many communication tools in my toolbox and yet I can still find myself getting triggered in a moment and not responding in the way my ideal self would like to. The thing is, I know my partner and I are not alone in this. I hear the same thing from couples over and over again. “We want to communicate differently but we just get stuck!” There are many resources out there that will tell you how to communicate more effectively. But honestly, if it were just about remembering to use “I” language, relationship counsellors would be out of a job.
First Emotions. Then Science.
At its core, communication skills are not that complicated. There are a set of tips and tricks (ex: remove “always” and “never” from your vocabulary) but in the heat of the moment these skills become forgotten. What I have come to believe is when we are emotionally triggered it becomes difficult to remember these basic skills. It can be helpful to understand what is happening neurobiologically in order to know how to create change in our communication and conflict patterns.
When we are triggered by an argument, the part of our brain responsible for decision-making, critical thinking and impulse control (the prefrontal cortex) switches off. Our brain senses danger, which causes us to act quickly and protect ourselves. The more triggered we are, the more danger we sense, and the more intense this response will be.
When our brain senses a disconnection with our partner or a threat to the relationship, it interprets it as a danger to our personal safety and security. Research shows us that we need connection with other humans to feel secure and safe in this world. In fact, distress in our relationships can actually make our physical and mental health worse. Studies have shown our immune and hormonal systems are adversely affected when we are distressed in a relationship, even decreasing our body’s ability to heal. Our brain innately knows we need these secure connections to thrive and therefore, losing connection with our spouse triggers the same survival mechanism in our brain as if our physical safety were being threatened, causing us to enter a state of fight or flight.
Ready For Some Practical Tips?
If we want to communicate more effectively, we need to get back to a place where we’re able to make clear choices about how we want to communicate (we need to switch our prefrontal cortex back on!). One of the best ways to do this is by regulating our nervous system. There are many approaches but some of the most accessible are:
Go for a brisk walk or do a quick workout
Eat a snack
Have a drink of cold water
Have a cold or hot shower
Place ice on space just above your cheekbones- 30 seconds on, 30 seconds off until you start to feel calmer
Take some deep breaths. There are several methods you can try but it’s important to find one that works for you. I find box breathing helpful - 4 seconds inhale, hold for 4 seconds, 4 seconds exhale, hold for 4 seconds. Repeat until calm.
These activities also create a brief pause for reflection, which allows us to prepare what we would like to communicate once we have regulated our nervous systems. After this time, you will be more able to think clearly and communicate your message to your partner with gentleness and love.
Let’s Get Real
Pausing when you are triggered is easier said than done. It’s fine to say “just take some deep breaths” but when you are seeing red this can feel really difficult. So here’s what I’d like you to do:
Just start noticing when you are triggered.
Yep, that’s it. Notice the sensations in your body. Your heart rate, body temperature, tingling in your fingers, changes to your breath rhythm, etc. Noticing these shifts is the first step to even being able to CHOOSE to take a break and regulate. Once you have become more aware of when you are triggered, you will start to notice that there is a moment in conflict where you can opt to pause before your prefrontal cortex goes completely offline. Think of it like flushing a toilet - there is a moment before you pull the handle all the way down where the water starts to rumble a bit. You could choose to take your hand off the handle and walk away or you could pull the handle all the way down and now it will be a bit longer before the water is calm again. We want to catch ourselves before the handle is pulled, so to speak.
The goal of conflict with our spouse is to use that point of friction as a starting place for greater understanding and intimacy. I hope this article helps you understand a little bit more about what is going on in your body and brain during conflict so you can find more connection and satisfaction in your relationships.
Autumn Fowler, MA, CCC
Autumn is a psychotherapist and relationship specialist serving individuals and couples who desire fulfilling relationships with the people who matter most - whether this be with themselves, a family member, friend, or spouse. She has a special interest in working with those on the journey towards or transition into parenthood. Autumn is also a wife, mama to two young boys, daughter, sister, and friend. She cares deeply about the human connection and loves sharing this passion with her community.
