Your Holiday Survival Guide: Keeping Your Relationship Strong During Family Gatherings

The holidays are here and there is magic in the air. Peppermint hot chocolate, twinkly lights, and the stress of planning and spending time with your and your spouse’s family. Not everyone struggles with their extended family and in-laws around the holidays, but for many it can be a tricky season.

For one, our partner’s family typically has their own set of traditions and norms that we may not be accustomed to. These differences can be wonderful, eye-opening, and full of new opportunities for shared understanding and rituals formed. But different traditions can also be stressful if we find them uncomfortable, offensive, selfish, or simply unenjoyable. In addition, our extended family can come with its own set of stressful quirks that your spouse is not immune to.

Don’t worry, I’m about to share four tips that will help you feel confident that your relationship will enter the holiday season as a united front, remaining connected as you navigate family gatherings and any hiccups that may be waiting for you.

Tip 1: Set A Love Meeting

If you’ve been hanging out around here for a while you know all about Love Meetings, but if you’re new here check out my blog post to learn all the details! Essentially, you want to set up an uninterrupted time to have an intentional conversation about the holidays with your partner. Invite your partner to a love meeting, expressing to them that you would like to discuss the holidays before they arrive so you two can be a team.  

Tip 2: It’s Not Just Them

As much as we can get stuck in a spiral of how frustrating our in-laws can be, admitting that both your families have their own nuances can help soften your opinion of them. Every family has different traditions, customs, and frustrations- yours included. Name some of the things that you enjoy about spending time with your in-laws. Maybe those amazing gingerbread cookies your mother-in-law makes? Or the excellent gifts your sister-in-law seems to nail each year? When speaking with your partner, acknowledge that both of your families have challenges and express the positives you appreciate before diving into the challenges. Ask your partner to share their favourite things about holidays with their own family, and your family, as well. This can help lower your partner’s defences and create a culture of shared perspective.

Tip 3: Prep Your Relationship

There are likely a few possible scenarios you have been anticipating regarding family this holiday season. Maybe you’ve even been losing sleep over them. Discussing these possibilities with your partner BEFORE they happen will help you get on the same page about how you will handle them if they do arise.

During your love meeting, let your partner know some of the scenarios you are anticipating and ask them if there are any that they are worried about encountering themselves. Discuss how you might tackle these scenarios as a team. Do you need a code word? A pep talk before entering a gathering? Additional support in setting and maintaining boundaries? Come up with a game plan and solidify that you both have the same goal- staying connected and having an enjoyable holiday season.

Tip 4: Prioritize Your Relationship

Create a list of priorities you have as a couple this holiday season. Get clear on what your unit needs first, before considering what everyone else in your extended family needs. It can be easy to get roped into doing what has always been done or succumbing to a vocal family member’s wishes. Ideally, you can share what you have decided you will be participating in (and not participating in) prior to plans already being set. But if you find yourself in a situation where you’ve agreed to something you know wont work for your relationship, you can share a unified message such as “we’ve talked about the holidays and realized our previously agreed upon plan isn’t going to work for us because X. We’d love to make something else work and propose Y. Let us know what you think.” You might be pleasantly surprised by how others respond to your direct communication. By entering into this discussion as a team, you will feel confident knowing you have the support of each other to navigate any challenging responses, if they do arise. 

There you have it, my top tips for surviving the holidays with your in-laws. I know that you now have the tools to prep your relationship to handle whatever comes your way. If you’re still wondering how to navigate the festivities as a team, sign up for my newsletter where I’ll be releasing lots of tips throughout the month to support your relationship. Sign up here!

Autumn is a psychotherapist and relationship specialist serving individuals and couples who desire fulfilling relationships with the people who matter most - whether this be with themselves, a family member, friend, or spouse. She has a special interest in working with those on the journey towards or transition into parenthood. Autumn is also a wife, mama to two young boys, daughter, sister, and friend. She cares deeply about the human connection and loves sharing this passion with her community.