12 Reasons Couples Go To Therapy
*Disclaimer- The language of couples is used here but this information applies to alternative relationship structures as well (ex., polyamorous, consensual non monogamy, etc.).
Many couples are resistant to trying therapy. There is a misconception that if you require couples therapy then you must have a relationship that isn’t worth saving. But the reality is, no relationship is perfect. Every relationship is made up of imperfect individuals who are growing and learning. To embark on couples counselling is to say “I want to learn and grow together. Even if things feel difficult now, I believe we can get through this- and come out stronger than ever.” I want to normalize couples counselling, lifting the veil of what is actually talked about behind closed doors so you will feel more confident booking that first appointment knowing you are not alone in the issues you are facing.
12 Reasons Couples Go To Therapy
There are many reasons couples go to therapy, this is not an exhaustive list. But here I’ve compiled some of the most common pain points I hear every week.
Couples come to therapy because they are having trouble:
Engaging In Healthy Conflict
So many of us never learned how to engage in conflict in healthy ways. Some of us grew up in homes where conflict was avoided. Others only saw explosive and volatile confrontations. Few of us learned what repair is and how to do it. Couples therapy provides an unbiased person who can hear both sides, bring to light some of the underlying reasons for the current conflict patterns, and support healthier communication.
2. Navigating The Transition To Parenthood
The transition to parenthood can rock even the most solid of couples. Some couples have a baby with major health concerns, adding an extra layer of stress. Many couples struggle with the loss of individual freedom and reduced time for the relationship. Resentment breeds quickly when there is perceived unfairness. Not to mention general sleep deprivation, feeding challenges, and increased household chores (if you’ve had a newborn you understand the never-ending laundry issue) causes stress and can contribute to increased conflict. Couples therapy can offer normalization and validation of these struggles, as well as concrete ways to manage them, leaving your relationship feeling ready to take on all that parenthood will bring.
3. Processing Grief & Loss
Grief and loss can take many forms. The death of a parent, child, pet, or family member can send waves of grief through any individual, sometimes impacting one’s ability to function at work, home, or even in their intimate relationships. In addition, I see couples who are processing the grief of miscarriage, stillbirth, or chronic infertility. Whatever the loss, couples therapy can offer a safe space to process and heal together.
4. Setting Boundaries With Friends or Family
A skill that almost all of us need to learn at one time or another is boundary setting. So many couples cite this as one of their primary goals in couples counselling. Whether boundaries need to be set with in-laws, friends, children, work, or each other, once this skill is learned it can have a hugely positive impact on the relationship.
5. Feeling Emotionally & Intellectually Connected
Today’s society feeds off of hustle culture and being chronically available through technology. This leads to a lifestyle that typically makes us less available to the people we share a home with. If we’re always out of the house striving towards our next achievement or connecting with others through technology when we are at home, there is less and less time available to connect with our partner. We crave to be seen and understood by our loved ones, to have stimulating conversation, to grow and learn together. This is something a therapist can help couples achieve through understanding the underlying motivations to these behaviours and developing new strategies to reconnect.
6. Experiencing A Satisfying & Connecting Sexual Relationship
80% of couples experience a discrepancy in the desired frequency of sexual encounters. Many also struggle with desire, pleasure, or differing sexual preferences. Couples therapy is a safe space to explore these topics, feel heard by your partner, gain understanding of your spouse’s point of view, and develop new ways to deepen physical intimacy.
7. Healing After Betrayal & Trusting Again
Betrayal can take many forms, such as infidelity, addiction, or financial dishonesty. Really any form of dishonesty can cause feelings of betrayal. Betrayal often leads to difficulty with trust, resentment, emotional and physical distancing, and other challenges that have ripple effects through the relationship. A couples counsellor can help hold space for each partner’s experience and healing, supporting the couple to gain understanding and
8. Making Major Life Decisions
Whether it’s deciding to move cities, grow a family, or change careers, there are many reasons couples may struggle to make decisions. Our relationships are made up of individuals who have different experiences, values, and opinions, which can result in mismatched desires or uncertainty. Many couples find it helpful to have an unbiased third party to lay out their decision making process with.
I also see couples for preventative and strengthening reasons, including:
9. Relationship Goal Setting
If you didn’t read my post on setting intentions as a couple, head there now! This is something I support couples who are high functioning, ready to take their relationship to the next level, and wanting to rewrite their story after major life transitions.
10. Deepening Intimacy & Connection
You don’t need to be having a problem in your relationship to benefit from even deeper connection. Sometimes couples are feeling good but know that they could be doing even better. They want to ensure they are investing in their relationship and maintaining it as much as they would their physical fitness or professional development. Couples tell me there is something deeply rewarding about embarking on growth and learning as a team.
11. Preparing For Marriage
When you get engaged, it is important to remember that you are planning for a marriage, not just a wedding. You are hoping to have a lifetime with this person, and couples therapy can create a strong foundation for you to do just that. We may review family patterns, relationship values and expectations, sexual intimacy, conflict resolution, and financial planning to name a few.
12. Preparing For The Transition To Parenthood
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, preparing your relationship for the transition to parenthood is one of the greatest investments you can make in your partnership and for the wellbeing of your future child. Couples develop a solid fourth trimester plan, learn about perinatal mental health symptoms and treatments, discuss division of labour, determine parenting styles, learn conflict resolution and communication skills, and create a shared understanding of fears, hopes, and how to best support each other as a team in this new chapter. I also have free resources to guide you on this journey if therapy doesn’t feel like the best fit right now.
Conclusion
There are many other reasons but these are the ones I hear most commonly in my office. If you’re still wondering if therapy is right for you, reach out. I’d be happy to answer any questions you might have. Or head over to my resource page to learn more about how to better your relationships right now!
Autumn is a psychotherapist and relationship specialist serving individuals and couples who desire fulfilling relationships with the people who matter most - whether this be with themselves, a family member, friend, or spouse. She has a special interest in working with those on the journey towards or transition into parenthood. Autumn is also a wife, mama to two young boys, daughter, sister, and friend. She cares deeply about the human connection and loves sharing this passion with her community.
