How To Talk To Your Partner About Postpartum Depression & Anxiety

Becoming a mom was a challenging transition for me, but becoming a mom of two really took a toll on my mental health. It took me a bit to realize that what I was experiencing was more than just the stress of having two tiny humans, but once I did I knew I couldn’t keep going without some help.

Looking back, one of the hardest parts of admitting I was struggling with postpartum depression was saying those words out loud to my partner. Call it pride, call it stubborn determination to white knuckle my way through all of life’s challenges, call it shame, but I was resistant and downright scared to say the words. But once I did, I was able to access the support I needed. If you’re in a place right now where you’re feeling alone with your mental health, please read on to learn how to feel more confident talking to your loved ones about perinatal mood and anxiety disorders and getting the support you need. 

How To Know If You Are Experiencing A Perinatal Mental Health Disorder

Perinatal defines the period of time from pregnancy through birth and one year postpartum. This time period can be broken down into prenatal (before birth) and postpartum (after birth). There are several different disorders in this umbrella such as depression, bipolar, mania, psychosis, anxiety, OCD, etc. Experiencing perinatal mental health symptoms can feel scary, lonely, and confusing, especially if you’ve never experienced symptoms of depression or anxiety before. Like most mental health diagnoses, it's best to speak to a medical professional to seek a proper assessment; however, there are some symptoms you can self-assess that can flag potential mental health concerns. 

If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms you might benefit from additional assessment and/or support:

• Feeling depressed or void of feeling

• Lack of interest in baby

• Lack of interest in things that usually bring you pleasure

• Feeling hopeless

• Brain feels foggy

• Difficulty sleeping when baby sleeps

• Panic attacks

• Extreme worries or fears

• Intrusive, scary, and unwanted thoughts 

• Flashbacks related to the birth

• Feeling an urge to repeat certain behaviours as a means to manage anxiety

• Seeing images or hearing sounds that others can’t see or hear

• Feeling more energetic than usual, requiring less sleep, and engaging in reckless behaviours

• Thoughts that others would be better off without you

*If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, please reach out for immediate support by calling 9-1-1 or your local crisis line. 

What Is The Difference Between Normal Stress And A Perinatal Mental Health Disorder?

The difference between “normal” and “problematic” symptoms is the degree of distress and how it is impacting your daily functioning. For example, if you worry occasionally about your baby’s health but are easily reassured and do not have any disruption to your sleep, concentration or relationships, you are likely experiencing normal parent worry. On the flip side, if you find these same worries are consuming many hours of your day, impacting your ability to sleep, eat, or your relationships with others you may benefit from some support. 

How To Let Your Partner In On Your Struggles

One of the challenges of sharing when we are struggling with mental health is trying to explain something that is uniquely our own experience. Your partner has likely noticed some changes in you, whether or not they know exactly what is going on. Letting them in on your experience might be a relief to finally have words to put to the changes they have been witnessing in you.

That being said, there is a spectrum of how receptive people are to mental health struggles. Some partners are more comfortable, open, and willing to hear about your mental health, while others might be less comfortable or unfamiliar with talking about it. Many people will feel that their partner “doesn’t get it” and feel frustrated trying to justify the seriousness of their distress. Because relationships take many forms, it is tricky to offer generalized advice; however, here are some tips that will get you started:

• Try and bring it up during a neutral moment, as opposed to when things are feeling particularly difficult 

• If you are struggling to find the right words (there’s no such thing anyway), stick with something simple such as “I think I might be experiencing postpartum depression and I’m really struggling. I’m scared and I need your help.”

• Be clear about the risk and safety concerns associated with perinatal mental health disorders so they are aware of the seriousness of the situation

• Be explicit about the resources you feel you might need and any support you anticipate needing from your partner. If you’re not sure what you need, keep reading for some ideas!

Resources For PPD/PPA

Now that you’ve shared that you're struggling, it’s time to reach out for support. There is not a one size fits all approach so find the help that feels best for you. It’s also important to note that just because you don’t have a proper diagnosis does not mean you need to struggle in silence. Help is out there. Here are some resources to look for: 

• Speaking to a doctor is helpful to explore a formal diagnosis, medication, or referrals to additional specialists

• Working with a therapist who has specialized training in perinatal mood and anxiety disorders is a great way to access individualized care. Postpartum Support International has a directory of therapists who are certified: www.postpartum.net

• Postpartum doulas can offer incredible care and support to you, your baby, and your household while you focus on taking care of yourself. Search for postpartum doula’s in your area or ask your maternity care provider for recommendations

• There are so many incredible resources through postpartum support international, including free support groups, peer mentor program, and educational materials: www.postpartum.net

• Podcast about maternal wellness- The Wellness Pod- Shari-Ann James

• Podcast by psychologist Dr. Kat Kaeni discusses how to heal from perinatal mood and anxiety disorders- Mom & Mind 

• Support for fathers: www.postpartumdads.org

• The Postpartum Husband: Practical Solutions for Living with Postpartum Depression – Karen Kleiman

• Postpartum Depression And Anxiety: A Self-Help Guide for Mothers – Pacific Postpartum Support Society

• Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts: A Healing Guide to the Secret Fears of New Mothers – Karen Kleiman

• The Pregnancy And Postpartum Anxiety Workbook: Practical Skills to Help You Overcome Anxiety, Worry, Panic Attacks, Obsessions, and Compulsions – Pamela S. Wiegartz + Kevin L. Gyoerkoe

Conclusion

If nothing else, I hope this article confirms you are not alone in these struggles and that support is there for you if you need it. Feeling confident about how to talk to your partner about postpartum depression and anxiety is important and now you have the tools you need to begin that conversation. These are not easy days but with the right help it can feel easier. Comment below to let me know if this helped you!

Autumn is a psychotherapist and relationship specialist serving individuals and couples who desire fulfilling relationships with the people who matter most - whether this be with themselves, a family member, friend, or spouse. She has a special interest in working with those on the journey towards or transition into parenthood. Autumn is also a wife, mama to two young boys, daughter, sister, and friend. She cares deeply about the human connection and loves sharing this passion with her community.