How Holiday Expectations May Be Sabotaging Your Relationships

Nov 1

This year I had high hopes for Halloween. Although we took both boys with us trick or treating last year, my youngest was so tiny and slept on my partner’s chest almost the whole night. So this year really felt like the first year our boys would go trick or treating together and share in some holiday magic. I had dreams of spending the holiday season doing spooky themed crafts, baking, making costumes, and participating in all the Halloween themed activities around town.

However, having two tiny humans often means things don't go as planned. You would think I would have learned this lesson by now, but I can still find myself feeling disappointed when my scheming doesn't unfold as I dreamed. That's the thing about expectations - they can quickly lead to disappointment when they are unmet. And boy, do I ever have expectations. They are almost always subconscious, sneaking up on me in covert ways. It's often not until I feel disappointment rearing its ugly head that I realize how much I was hoping for a particular outcome.

Last night as the children were bouncing off the walls, making all the unsafe choices, and generally testing every boundary we set - I turned to my partner and said “carving pumpkins tonight would probably be a bad idea, right?” With disappointment in my eyes, he confirmed what I knew, and we trashed the plan in favour of keeping our sanity. But as I let the plan go, I realized the desire I had to engage in this holiday themed tradition wasn't entirely mine. What surfaced was a realization that although I personally love carving pumpkins and the joy it brings me, there is also a part of me that feels that I am supposed to give these experiences to my kids. In fact, I can go as far as to feel like a bad mom if I'm not providing all the picture perfect joy to my kids.

Holidays have many hidden stresses for parents. For many of us, the societal pressure to deliver a “perfect” holiday can take hold, sometimes robbing us of the very joy that these perfect experiences were supposed to bring. Social Media really isn’t a help here either; although some people really can do it all, most of us can’t. This stress can seep into the relationship with our spouse, especially if they don't seem to hold the same level of importance about taking the perfect family photo at the pumpkin patch.

This is definitely not the way I want to experience holidays with my family. I want to make memories that are based on happiness and fun instead of what we “should” be doing. So, I’m using this practice to keep myself in check and I’m sharing it here if you think it could benefit you as well:

Step 1: Ask yourself “who is this serving?”

If the answer is: Me and my whole family, proceed with your plan!
If the answer is “me” or anyone outside of your family, move to Step 2.

Step 2: Ask yourself why you want this.

If the answer is to bring joy, proceed with your plan!
If the answer is anything along the lines of “to be seen as having it all together”, “to give my kids a better childhood than I had”, “to live up to other people’s expectations/not disappoint anyone else,” etc….move to Step 3.

Step 3: Challenge if this practice will really achieve that goal, and if achieving it is important enough to possibly add more stress into your and your family’s holiday.

Step 4: Remember you can pivot! Ditch the elaborate halloween costume, pumpkin carving, or halloween crafts. Spend time together, find laughter, and make memories that are based on connection, not perfection. Take a few photos, and upload a goofy one (if you’re into that sort of thing) to share with the family and friends who just love seeing beautiful snippets of your life.

You’ve got this.

* tuck this email away for the upcoming holiday season when you may need these reminders again! *

Autumn is a psychotherapist and relationship specialist serving individuals and couples who desire fulfilling relationships with the people who matter most - whether this be with themselves, a family member, friend, or spouse. She has a special interest in working with those on the journey towards or transition into parenthood. Autumn is also a wife, mama to two young boys, daughter, sister, and friend. She cares deeply about the human connection and loves sharing this passion with her community.