6 Mistakes We Make When Setting Boundaries
Setting and holding healthy boundaries with our romantic partners is one of the primary components of a fulfilling relationship, and yet, so many of us struggle with it. Complications arise in not only communicating our needs clearly, but also in holding others (and ourselves) accountable when those boundaries are challenged. This is a skill that takes practice, so I want to share a bit more information to help guide this effort.
What Is A Boundary?
First, let’s look at the definition of a boundary. Nedra Tawaab literally wrote the book on boundaries so I’m not going to attempt to reinvent the wheel here. Tawaab defines boundaries as “expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships” (p.5, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, 2021). I like to think of boundaries as messages we put up on our bedroom doors, such as “knock before entering” or “if you hear music leave me alone,” etc. Boundaries aren’t brick walls that are meant to keep people out; they are rooms with doors, and it’s up to us to be clear about the messages on the them so others know how to reach us without us feeling violated and intruded upon.
Common Mistakes We Make When Setting Boundaries
#1: It’s Not Just Saying “No”
Although saying “no” is an important skill associated with setting boundaries, sometimes it’s also about being clear about what you are saying “yes” to. For example, letting your partner know you are going to be available to answer calls and texts between 7-9am and 12-1pm and otherwise will be unable to get to your phone is inviting them to contact you in certain hours (as well as when you will not be responding). Sometimes it’s also about sharing our expectations and needs, such as letting your partner know it’s important to you that you spend one intentional evening together each week.
#2: Belief That Stating Our Needs Is Wrong
Many of us hold a core belief that asking for what we want is selfish and will burden others. Or worse, it will mean we are aggressive, and therefore unlikeable. Some of us may fundamentally believe we are not worthy of having needs in the first place. And then there are those of us who assume speaking our opinion may invite conflict, which we desperately want to avoid. More often than you’d think, it’s all of the above.
We come by these beliefs honestly. Our society and family we grew up with may have reinforced these beliefs from an early age. This may be especially true for women. These beliefs may have even kept us safe in our childhood homes, but as we enter adulthood we may notice these beliefs aren’t serving us anymore. In fact, they may be harming our relationships because our partners can’t meet our needs if we don’t express them. We can have compassion for our younger selves that learned how to navigate the world with these beliefs, and also acknowledge we are ready to start intentionally choosing different ones.
#3: Assumption of Mindreading
Many of us make an assumption that the people close to us intuitively know what we need. We express our needs in indirect, sometimes nonverbal, ways. I think this can be especially true in long term relationships where we start to assume our partners know us well enough to know when we’re upset, and what we’re bothered by. Although long term partners often know when the other is upset and maybe even understand the gist of it, without direct communication, we are often left feeling unseen and misunderstood. Your partner doesn’t have a shot at making you happy if you never directly tell them. Brene Brown once said “clear is kind” and I like to keep that quote in the forefront of my mind when practicing boundaries.
#4: Misinterpreting Your Boundary As Anger
When we experience feelings of frustration, anger, and resentment, there is often an unexpressed boundary present. However, many of us blame the people around us for causing us to feel this way. For example, if I am hoping to have a date night on the weekend and later learn that my spouse has made plans for a guys night out on our only free night, I will likely feel disappointed, hurt, and frustrated that I am now home with the kids, not connecting with my spouse, and missing out while he is the one having a fun night. I may choose to blame him for these feelings, “why doesn’t he want to spend time with me?!” or “how come he always gets to be the one to have nights out with friends?” or “he obviously prioritizes his friendships over our relationship.” The reality here is I have a need that I didn’t express, and I should have been more direct in communicating with my partner. Setting boundaries and expressing yourself clearly is beneficial to both partners; it can help reframe the situation, take away the blame, and allow a genuine expression of emotion to be shared openly with less resistance from the receiver and a greater likelihood for swift corrective action.
#5: Not Following Through
Many of us struggle to set a boundary, but even more of us struggle with what to do when we finally do communicate our boundary and it still isn’t respected. When this happens, we may assume we’ve done our part in communicating our needs and there’s nothing left for us to do - It’s not our fault if others don’t listen to our boundaries, right? Not entirely.
A big part of setting boundaries is the follow through that must come if others do not respect them. We have to hold ourselves and others accountable, which sets a framework of how we expect ourselves to be treated in the future. Following through can be done with empathy towards the other party while still holding the line. Learning to respect boundaries might be new for the other party as well, and they may need some reminders to really understand what the expectations are.
How To Set Effective Boundaries
At this point you’re probably thinking, “OK, now I know what not to do. But how the heck do I actually set boundaries?” Let’s take it one step at a time.
Step One
Identify your need or expectation.
Example: “I am not willing to pick up my partner’s dirty clothes and put them in the hamper.”
Step Two
Express your need or expectation directly.
Example: “I am happy to do the laundry for our family but I am not willing to pick up your dirty laundry and put it in the hamper.”
Step Three
Set your boundary.
Example: “From now on, I will only do the laundry that is already in the hamper.”
Ideally, this leads to your boundary being acknowledged
Step Four
Follow through.
If your boundary is not respected, restate your boundary and a specific consequence that will come into effect if it is not respected again.
Example: “I am happy to do the laundry for our family but I am not willing to pick up your dirty laundry and put it in the hamper. As I said before, I will only do the laundry that is already in the hamper. If you’ve been too busy or forgot that’s fine, but I won't do your laundry if it’s not there.”
Step Five
Reinforce your boundary.
If your boundary is not respected again, follow through again as stated on your consequence. Period.
Example: You do not wash your partner’s clothes. You do not pick them up from where they are located. If your partner notices they have no clean clothes you simply and kindly reacknowledge the boundary, “It’s unfortunate that you don’t have any clean clothes. I am still happy to wash them for you, but they must be in the hamper by the next time I do laundry.”
#6: The Most Important Boundaries You Set Are Ones With Yourself
One last thing.
Each of us needs to trust that we can keep ourselves safe, emotionally, mentally, physically. When we fail to hold boundaries we are inadvertently abandoning ourselves. It is so hard to hold some boundaries, AND we must continue to practice doing so in order to protect our wellbeing. Yes, it will be frustrating for you if your spouse does not take your boundary to heart and leaves their dirty clothes on the floor. But remember, you must follow through on your boundary. If you cave and pick up the laundry and wash it anyway, your boundary is less likely to be taken seriously in the future.
A boundary with yourself may sound like:
“If he doesn’t respect my boundary next time, I promise myself I will follow through on the consequences.”
“I am going to turn my phone on do not disturb at 9pm, so I can prioritize taking care of myself and not be distracted by the outside world.”
Conclusion
Boundaries are an essential component of a healthy, happy relationship. I always encourage couples to have lots of ongoing discussion and practice with boundary setting; what can feel inorganic at first soon becomes second nature in the relationship. Start small and gain confidence as you notice the impact setting boundaries has on your relationship.
