Will Your Relationship Really Change After Having Kids?
There is a lot of unsolicited messages when you decide to have kids. “Your life will never be the same again,” they say. But what does that actually mean? Does it really change? As a mom of two and a psychotherapist who speaks everyday to couples on the other side of having kids, I can confidently say:
Yes.
Your relationship changes after having kids. But, I want you to understand one very important thing: it’s not always for the worse. And I will arm you with resources and tools to help you when it is.
Here, I will outline a few ways relationships can change after becoming parents, then I will offer some tools you can use to navigate those changes so your relationship can thrive in this new chapter of your lives.
Ways Your Relationship Changes After Kids
*Everyone has a different experience in the transition to parenthood. Here are some ways in which your relationship might change. You may only identify with one or two, or you might find every point feels like it’s bang on. There is no right or wrong.
You Have Less Time For Your Individual Selves
If before kids you spent 30% of your time engaging in individual pursuits, 30% of your time working, 20% of your time on your relationship, 10% of your time socializing, and 10% of your time completing household labour, you have exactly 0% of your time for a kid. So, in order to make room for the adorable and very needy little human that is now your responsibility, something has to give. Typically most of these areas suffer, as we try and cobble together a piece of the pie that wasn’t there before. Whether you are spending less time grooming, reading, exercising, hustling in your career, socializing, or spending romantic nights with your spouse, there is an obvious shift from what was to what is now. There can be a feeling of grief for what was. Resentment can breed if it feels like you are giving up more than your partner (I wrote a whole blog post on this subject!). And having less time to fill our own bucket may eventually translate to having less capacity to pour into the relationships around us.
2. You Have Less Time For Your Relationship
If you have less time for your individual selves, it stands to reason that you also have less time for the relationship. Perhaps you are struggling with less time to go on a date. Less time alone to connect sexually, intellectually, and emotionally. Honestly, there is also less time and energy to engage in conflict when it does arise, especially in healthy ways. There will likely be an adjustment period as your relationship finds a new equilibrium with less time for each other. Finding ways to stay connected in reduced time together is an important part of managing this change. Keep reading to learn some of my tips to achieve this!
3. Domestic Responsibilities Increase
More humans in your house equals more household labour- physical and emotional. It’s hard to argue with this correlation. Laundry piles up, a mountain of dishes develops, and suddenly everything is messy. You also have new chores such as feeding, changing diapers, and dressing a little human several times per day. Your children need soothing, entertaining, physical activity and mental stimulation. You can spend your whole day doing these chores and responding to the needs of your little one and wonder why you feel exhausted and why the house is somehow still a mess. Unfortunately, if the division of labour is unbalanced in the relationship, not only can resentment grow but it can also result in the primary caregiver having less time and energy to give to the relationship.
4. You Fall In Love With Your Partner As A Parent
Now for the good stuff. There is a special kind of bond that is created between parents when they raise a child together. Watching the person you love, love a tiny human that is yours can only be described as magical. You watch your child fall in love with your partner every time they make them laugh, offer safe arms when they are hurt, and teach them things that your partner thrives in. You might find yourself falling a little more in love every time too.
5. You Gain A New Sense Of Purpose
Before parenthood, your relationship was just about the desires of the two of you. You had big dreams. Maybe you planned for travel, building a home, living off the grid, building a family, completing higher education, or starting a nonprofit. But after becoming parents, there is a whole other person (or multiple little people) you are now considering when you plan your days and years. Many of your dreams stay the same, but some may shift as you now view them through the lens of parenthood.
Many people gain a new sense of purpose as a parent. Some describe a sudden fulfillment and deep love that was only dreamed of. Being present for this transformation can bring your relationship even closer. You make new dreams together as a family. You include your children’s future’s in your own. You bond over the shared mission to create a good life for them, whatever that looks like to you.
Ways to Support Your Relationship After Kids
Gain Skills To Communicate Your Needs & Set Boundaries
Learning how to identify your needs and communicate them to others is a skill that many of us struggle with. After becoming parents, this can feel even trickier but is all the more important. In order to make space for ourselves and our relationship’s wellbeing, we need to be able to carve out time from the endless tasks of parenthood. This is also a key skill in combating resentment. If you’re wanting to read more about how to set effective boundaries, you can read my blog post here.
2. Ensure Fairness In Division Of Labour
It is important we acknowledge that the majority of emotional labour, household labour, and childrearing falls on the primary caregiver- in heterosexual relationships this is most often the mother. However, it happens in same sex and non binary couples as well. The invisible load of parenthood is problematic for the relationship because when left unaddressed it can breed resentment. There are a few ways you can combat this through therapy and/or Eve Rodsky developed a revolutionary and accessible way for couples to rebalance the invisible load in her book and game, Fair Play.
3. Make Time For Connection
I know, it’s not easy. There is less time and more demands on your energy, but your relationship deserves to be prioritized. One of the greatest ways you can take care of your kids is to model for them a healthy and connected relationship. I’ve compiled a free guide on how to connect after kids that you can download here. I’ve also written an article with three easy at-home date ideas for those nights when you can’t find a babysitter.
4. Get Clear On Your Goals As A Family
Goal setting is something that is often reserved for the individual but I encourage couples to co-create intentions and dreams for their future. This practice can help strengthen your bond as it aligns your shared mission as a family. If you’re wondering exactly how to do this, I wrote an article outlining just that- read it here.
Conclusion
There are many ways your relationship can change after becoming parents. Some are great changes and some are challenging ones. No matter what, parenthood is one of the most transformative and important chapters of your life- and your relationship deserves support as you navigate it.
I’ve mentioned a few tools in this article, but if you head over to my website I’ve compiled all of my favourite resources for new parents in one place. Individual or couples therapy is also a great way to support the transition into parenthood. And if you’re still expecting, I’ve created a free guide that will guide you through 10 conversations to prepare you for the transition to parenthood.
Autumn is a psychotherapist and relationship specialist serving individuals and couples who desire fulfilling relationships with the people who matter most - whether this be with themselves, a family member, friend, or spouse. She has a special interest in working with those on the journey towards or transition into parenthood. Autumn is also a wife, mama to two young boys, daughter, sister, and friend. She cares deeply about the human connection and loves sharing this passion with her community.
