The #1 Sex Question Asked In A Therapist’s Office
Sex is one of the most common reasons couples come to therapy. It makes sense, since it is one of the main ways we maintain intimacy and connection with our romantic partner. It is also happens to be a topic that is laced with shame, isolation, expectations, and stigma, making it a common pain point. But regardless of the sexual problems that the relationship is experiencing, the majority of couples seem to have the same question: Are we having enough sex? I want to share the research-backed answer that will have you enjoying more pleasure and less stress, today!
The Short Answer:
I know you’re busy so let’s cut to the chase. The answer is shockingly simple: the frequency in which you are having sex is exactly right, if it is the right amount for your relationship.
There is no magic number.
I know, I know, it’s as bad as a “it depends” answer. But stay with me and I promise it will start to make sense. Since there is no frequency that is the “right” amount of sex for everyone, what you need to determine is if the amount of sex you are having in your relationship feels right to you. If your number doesn’t feel right for YOU then you can start examining your own expectations, desires, and breaking down any barriers to change so you can get the number to feel right in your unique relationship.
The Long Answer:
There are two reasons that couples wonder about this question in the first place.
Comparison
As human beings we are hard-wired to compare ourselves to others. This is well documented in social psychology as an automatic behaviour we engage in every day. We compare ourselves to those we perceive as doing better than us as well as those we perceive to be worse off. Admit it, how often have you heard your peer disclose the frequency of which they are having sex with their partner and thought to yourself “wow, we’re doing it so much more than them, good for us” or “woah, that’s so much more than we’re doing it. What’s wrong with us?” It’s human nature to want to fit in and to be seen as good as (if not better than) our peers. Of course, if you’re reading this you are likely a self-aware person who is doing work to quiet your ego, so you may feel less susceptible to comparison; however, the reality is that comparison still exists. You may have just become better at responding to it in healthier ways. More on this below.
Discrepancy in desire
Research shows that frequency is the number one issue couples struggle with in their sexual relationships. Further, 80% of heterosexual couples experience this issue. The reason for this? Each of us has different physiological and psychological makeup that impacts the ease with which (and the way in which) we experience desire. For example, one person in a relationship may experience what is known as spontaneous desire. This means the simple act of thinking about sex or being propositioned by a partner, even if they are doing a very unsexy activity like folding laundry, results in being turned on sexually. Another person in the same relationship might have what is known as responsive desire. This means that when propositioned while they are folding laundry they are likely to require a little more warming up before being turned on sexually.
This discrepancy can lead to many problematic assumptions. For example, a person with responsive desire may assume that since they are not turned on at the moment of initiation, they will never be, and turn down the proposition. Or the person with spontaneous desire may assume that they want sex “too much” or that their partner is sexually unattracted to them. All of these assumptions can result in feelings of rejection, unmet sexual pleasure, and decreased connection.
Another reason our desires may differ is the ease with which we can be turned on, or the ease with which we are turned off. Sex researcher, Emily Nagowski, coined this concept our sexual “accelerator” and “brakes.” Even though we all have an accelerator and brakes, some of us have stronger accelerators or stronger brakes. Since we are all unique beings, it makes sense that we may have a different degree of accelerator or brakes than our romantic partner, further solidifying discrepancy in desire.
What If Our Number Doesn’t Feel Right For Us?
Now that we know why couples are wondering if they are having enough sex, and that there is no magic number, here’s what to do if you’re not happy with the amount you are enjoying sex with your partner.
Manage Comparison
We can’t change the fact that we will compare, but we can change the meaning we attach to it. When you notice yourself comparing the frequency of your sex life to your peers, redirect your attention back to yourself and ask yourself: Is it working for you and your partner? If it feels good, do it. If it would feel wrong to have more or less frequent sex, don’t do it. As long as you are on the same page, you’re doing it the exact right amount.
Normalize Different Types Of Desire
If there is a discrepancy in type of desire (spontaneous vs responsive) then bringing awareness of that into the relationship can be helpful. Normalizing that the person with responsive desire may need a little more warming up can help reduce shame and frustration. Additionally, if you can identify your own and your partner’s individual brakes and accelerators you can do more of what turns you on, but also less of what turns you off. A good place to start is Emily Nagowski’s book Come As You Are. Or speak with a sex therapist or couples therapist to explore this further with a professional.
Break The Cycle Of Judgment
Let’s stop shaming our peers for dry spells, decreased desire to masturbate, or individual opinions about what is the “right” frequency of sex in a relationship. Support your peers to enjoy whatever feels right for them, and if it isn’t feeling right, seek support from resources noted above.
Conclusion:
Whether you’ve been together a month, a year, or a decade, most couples seem to have the same question: are we having the right amount of sex? Now you know there is no magic number. What we do know is there are many right ways to engage in a sexual relationship, none better than the other. We all have the same goal of a pleasurable, connecting sexual relationship, AND there are many different ways to achieve that. Do what feels good for you and your partner and you can’t go wrong.
Autumn is a psychotherapist and relationship specialist serving individuals and couples who desire fulfilling relationships with the people who matter most - whether this be with themselves, a family member, friend, or spouse. She has a special interest in working with those on the journey towards or transition into parenthood. Autumn is also a wife, mama to two young boys, daughter, sister, and friend. She cares deeply about the human connection and loves sharing this passion with her community.
